i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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