tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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