went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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