It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
