What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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