ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
