I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
