I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
