Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
