Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
