well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
