I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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