Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
