I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
