i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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