i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
