I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
