If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
