Michael Bay diarrhea
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
