If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
