Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
