The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
