tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
