I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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