Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
