What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
