im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
