Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
