Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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