I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
