I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Randomize
