college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
