remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
