i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
