new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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