Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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