Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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