i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
