I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
