I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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