God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
