Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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