I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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