We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
