I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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