I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
