I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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