I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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