i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
