That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
